by resident #916 expert Ray Cordoba
Do you smoke cigs? In 2014? SAY WHAAAT?? Let me tell you right now, if you don't want to be considered a creaky brachiosaurus by all your cool friends AND wanna start getting super healthy, you need to hop aboard the Vape Train right now. It's probably the most alpha thing you can do, and it only costs about $300 to get started!
The first thing you'll notice after the switch is slowly getting your sense of smell back. This is something that I have a love/hate relationship with. For instance: why didn't anyone tell me my apartment smelled so bad? :/ After I quit cigs, I realized my apartment smelled like an old Hormel chili can. No one said shit to me the whole fucking time. Thanks a lot everyone!
B-b-b-but if I make the switch to "That Vape Lyfe" what about the cigarette store guy and our meaningful relationship we've cultivated over the past eight years?
Fret not. He probably sells some vape juice that's pretty good(ish) but it's mostly entry-level garbage. So I don't really go there for juice. You could start gambling on sports? My cigarette store guy is a bookie, and yours probably is too! Just ask, that might be fun. I definitely plan on putting my winnings towards getting that vaporizer that's made out of a Sega Master System gun with a DNA 30 board in it (you vape through the barrel of the gun = It's hardcore as fuck.)
Even Though You Swear That You Are True/ I Still Pick My Vape Over You
The second thing you'll immediately love about vaping will probably be the newfound attention. It's insane. It doesn't matter if I'm doing something dumb like working on my car or buying food at the mall, when passerbys see me vape and want to add me on Twitter, it's all worth it.
There's all kinds of ways to do impress people too! It's def chill when people ask me what I'm doing while I'm making adjustments to voltage and muttering things to myself. This gives me an opportunity to dazzle them by explaining all the vast features of my box mod to them. It's all highly technical but it's also easy if you've been to any vape-related classes at The Learning Annes and know the basic social cues of True NorCal Vape Culture.
Is it actually 420 yo??
The only conceivable downside to this amazing activity is having to explain it to fucking Gen Xers and other people who are stuck in 1895. For instance: I was in a bar vaping (as usual), and some old ass lady pointed that the vaporizer and asked, "is that a joint??" Yes bish, its an 8 inch long joint made of metal with a tank filled with liquid on top of it. No its not a joint, its a fucking box mod you stupid fucking dinosaur! Unless you want to try to somehow light this thing up and blaze a fucking battery, then i suppose it's some form of joint (olds, so stupid. Ugh).
Then another time a CHP who pulled my over was all "whats in that tank? is that hash oil? Is that VG based THC vapor juice?" Clearly, this pig knew what was up, but i was all "Naw officer, its just a modest 8mg juice called 'Patriotic-Law-Abiding-Citizen,' and this one's 'Sex Haver 69,' and my personal favorite "My-Ex-Wife is a Total Bitch, Right?" But the chip totally vaped and we talked about Maglites and this asshole from the auto shop I work at. Turns out this cop-dude drives the same Toyota Highlander as I do. Same color and everything. Some people say that shit is like a mom car but don't give a fuck, it's a great car to vape in.
Flavors of stuff i want to vape, but cant because scientists haven't made them yet (WHY)?
*"New Car Smell"
*"Open Air Bazaar"
*”indie pizza place"
*"indie video store",
*"Death Grips Publicity Stunt"
*"Sierra Nevada (in cans)"
*"Surface of the moon"
In conclusion, it doesn't matter if you are a goth, a juggalo or a Christian, vaping is definitely the way of the future and the only 100% healthy way to successfully cope with "Reality." Peace!