WXA Local Band of the Year: Pomplamoose!!

we found #swag in a #Swagless place

we found #swag in a #Swagless place

Some would call them trendsetters, some would call them groundbreaking. True Sanfranciscans know them simply as Pomplamoose. In the short amount of time that this local indie act has been in existence, fans have witnessed the duo evolve from a Moldy Peaches-esque slice of quirk-pop pie to what tomorrow's Rob Sheffields will soon be referring to as “The Saviors of True Indie Rock n Roll.”

For the aging altwave brachiosaur who thought the brazen Get In The Van-wave DIY ethics of fossilcore saviors like Husker Du, the Minutemen and 18 Visions were a thing of a more beautiful sepia-toned past, you can now rest easy knowing Pomplamoose has done more to advance Indie Culture in their short time than most bands could hope to achieve in a lifetime! Even more than the band Lifetime!


Fair-weather Bay Area pied pipers like Grass Window, the Fresh and Onlys and The Oh Sees have had their time and place in our fickle blogospheres.  But, as we have documented in our severely controversial article from 6 years ago, these acts have sorta have came and went faster than you can say "Richie Panic."  All the while Pomplamoose has continued to crank out the same level of urbane, street-smart and nuanced indie bangers that spirited them to prominence during the post-Zach Braff cultural malaise of 2007. But sometimes, even batting 1.000 isn't enough for these dumb coked-out hipsters at Dr Teeth to shell out their ill-gotten crypto-currency. Go fig, right?!

It's a damn shame that despite soaring above and beyond the expectations set by lesser SF bands like Flipper or Weakling or Fleetwood Mac, it appears that the members of Pomplamoose are still struggling to stay above our city's ever-rising poverty line. According to a recent very interesting VIRAL ARTICLE, it appears that the days of Do It Yourself have come to RIP In Peace. Having mastered such astonishing feats as selling out the Fillmore (which my buddy was lucky enough to bar back for!) and dominating the Youtube charts, Pomplamoose still can't afford to eat at Millenium every week or splurge on killer tees on Threadless. Fuck. What sort of Basedgod would let this happen?
 

While this article was meant to honor the band we felt deserved the most attention for their contribution to our dumb city's dying cultural relevance, it should also be taken as a wake up call to anyone wishing to keep true indie noise-rawk alive in San Fran! Buying you and your FetLife thotty tix to a sold out Fillmore concert just ain't cutting it, and that merch table may just end up affording their touring chef an extra pack of smokes at the end of the day. If you really want this Pomplamoose thing to survive, we've got to make a pledge right here and now:

“I, _________, do solemnly swear to go to http://www.patreon.com/pomplamoose RIGHT NOW and donate AS MUCH AS I CAN POSSIBLY SPARE in order to keep the SF scene ALIVE. I also swear to not waste any of my extra Twitter or Dropbox earning on frivolous expenditures such as bar drinks for side bitches, Occulus Rift stocks, or 6-week intensive coding courses (shouts to Hack Reactor tho).

I, _________, swear to continue to supporting local artists, like Pomplamoose, for the duration of their relevancy, or until Jack and Nataly get tired of producing consciousness-altering Youtube videos when they could be attending crucial networking parties.

This I swear so that the dreams of those who fell before Pomplamoose such as Will Shatter, Bruce Loose, and Ted Falconi may continue to thrive in the city that shaped the aforementioned's grame-changing Public Flipper Limited LP art.


Sincerely,

(Reddit user handle)"

Way to go, Pomplamoose! For a band that has yet to be appreciated by the world at large, this little city salutes you! And we all eagerly await your split with Botanist on Flenser records.

It's Fucking Late November 2014 and Still No Word on the New Death Grips Record.

Death Grips broke up blah blah blah, pleb-level NY fuccbois Noisey unveiled their Basic Bitch Joker Card blah blah blah, and most importantly, we were all teased with the possibility of FINALLY hearing The Grippers' most final and noided-out record of their career, the powers that b (!!!).

Fast forward 2 million internet years later and we're all still wondering what these powers could possibly 'b'?? Are we going to 'b' disappointed? Are we going to 'b' amazed?? The short answer is: yes. The longer answer is “Have a sad cum, Noisey.” 

In the meantime, in this dull and meaningless space between Death Grips records, the United States of Facebook has turned into one depressing tug of war between Social Justice Bros and Post-Tinder Feminists bent on ruining the careers of C-grade vaporwave shock-jocks, Youtube videos of NYC gutterballs hollering at some slore I used to white knight back in Law School, and the escalating Lorde / Diplo beef that continuously threatens to tear the country in twain.

What has become of our once beloved internet??? I bought my iPhone 5s to watch “Paki EDM bros prank cholos @ the mall” and surf Leafly.com during my lunch breaks at Zynga, not to get bombarded by ISIS beheadings, Ariel Pink propaganda, and bar graphs charting how much hipster bitches suck at getting engineering jobs.

...but I digest.


If Death Grips refuse to release the powers that b by the end of the year, 2015 is going to feel a lot like seeing your mom in a Vote for Pedro shirt for the first time, which is to say: AWKWARD. AS. FUCK.

Death Grips have always been the lamplight on at the end of the tunnel urging society to push onward amidst the putrid stench of our rapidly decaying multi-verse. Through tragedies such as great character actors overdosing, Riff Raff not getting on the cover of Rolling Stone, and the Mission District metamorphosing into a transcendent tech-topian Shutterfly stronghold (by patent trolling all those old Latino grandmas out of their rent-controlled Hobbit mounds), we at least knew that new Death Grips wasn't far off in our horizon.

Now, I'm beginning to wonder if this wasn't all just part of their final 'fuck you' to a society that never appreciated their last fuck-you. If it is, and the powers that b never does see the light of day, then I will be just as satisfied. Nobody Rick Rolled this so-called buzzbin like MC Ride & Co did. I'm happy they pissed off all those narcs at Pitchfork, that dude from NIN, and all the rest of you fair-weather Info Warriors.

Now if ya'll would excuse me, I've got some dank-ass Kermit memes to catch up on... *sips tea*

Best Facebook Reactions to Mi-Cy Dating Homeless Bro

Miley Cyrus recently revealed that Jesse Helt, the Homeless Bro she got to accept her VMA, will now be able to crash at her pad FOREVER. Dude has to be so stoked, talk about “Came From Nothing” #proofyungthugnotgay. The wise inhabitants of Facebook had much to say on the matter, including some sagely advice for the young possibly-couple:

1. I WOULD NEVER ASK A MAN MOVE IN W/ ME

2. COKE FUELED HOBO SEX

3.U CRAY GIRL???

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4. WOULD RATHER LOSE MY DICK 

5. *TEARS FALL* (u_u)

WELL. THIS ALL SEEMS REASONABLE.

What do you think about these two young Mollywogs sharing the same Wrecking Ball? Do you think this will end Barely Legal Teen Homelessness?? I really hope so, because the kids on Haight street could really use the dank nugs you can only enjoy in the privacy of your own private AirBnB we call a home.

What Strain Of Weed Would Allah Blaze?

by resident political correspondent StrainGenius23

let's take a walk down the hallway...

let's take a walk down the hallway...

When most people think about the Middle East and terrorism and stuff, what comes to mind is kush'd-out beardos huffing pounds of bubble hash in a tent with some I Dream Of Genie lookin' hipster bitch fanning them down with giant coke leaves. In reality (at least as of late), nothing could be further from the truth. Just last week, some nerd got his head chopped off cause he wanted to do some Broke Ass Stewart-level investigative reporting on what he thought would be some hella cray muslim gangsters. Turns out they were ratchet as fuck and wanted basically a gazillion dollars from Obama to let him go. Too bad Obama is just as trill, if not triller, than the terrorists and was all like "lol no way Jose."

This weekend I was blunted enough to sit through the ENTIRE Vice documentary on this new Terror Squad they got going on in Syria and Iraq called ISIS, which I think stands for Insane Strained-out Islamic Serialkillers. Holy. Shit. These dorks are chopping ERR'BODY's heads off and being total dick-wads in the most unchill sense of the word. My gut reaction to all of this: "Wait, don't these bros, like, smoke hella weed??"

To the best of my knowledge, I thought Islam was all about One Love and Redemption Songs and lions with dreadlocks, NOT telling 9 year old babies to shoot A-Ks at innocents in the name of Jah! :( I mean, I think it's cool to let your kids smoke Purple Urkle when they're ready and even shoot guns as long as they know to respect life and other people's rights, but this is just ridiculous! I used to be hella against bombing foreign people, even if they DID DO 9/11 (jk I KNOW it was an inside job), but damn, we gotta bomb these dudes like last week. Cause let's be reality- If these psychos ever figure out how to get to cool SF places like 4 Barrel and Dolores Park, it's gonna be mad fright night in the 415!!!

a rare instagram of a stoned lion with the islamic flag during better times 

a rare instagram of a stoned lion with the islamic flag during better times 

Okay, so after watching that really insightful Vice documentary, two thoughts come to mind: A. These Islamic State Posse dudes are way too 'noided out on that Kashmir bubble dab or B. These dudes are NOT smoking enough heady Indica strains. Now hear me out: I'm not a "scientist" when it comes to strains, but I can tell you that sometimes I'll be at the dispensary (BASA Collective, wadduppp!!) and I'll be a little broke and have to try whatever cheap shit they're trying to get rid of, and after I smoke it I'll be like “Fuck everyone! I hope my roomies die!” or “Why the fuck am I so pissed right now, I thought I was high? ;__; ” and, while this is rare, I think the entire weed community has to admit that some highs aren't so mellow sometimes. 

On the other hand, what if these Jihad'd-out fools are trying to not get high as much as their religion says they should because they're trying to pass drug tests to get airline jobs for terrorism activities?? Cause even though sometimes I get a little pissed when I smoke derpy strains, I can tell you right now that if I didn't get high like every day I'd be STRAIGHT MURDERING FOOLS FOR NOTHING. That's why all weed should be legal! Everyone knows there'd be no crime if people were forced to smoke weed every day. In the words of Bill Hicks, “weed should be mandatory.” And that goes for dudes that live in pyramids, too! Maybe instead of dropping bombs on these losers, we should be dropping bomb-ass nugs and dabs. THESE GUYS NEED THE WEED MORE THAN US. You hearin me, my Mendo heads?? Start saving some of that extra ganja, put it in bags, and just airmail that shit off to Afghanistan or wherever Reddit losers are reporting hatchet killa activity. 

And if any of these terrorists out there are reading this right now, let me ask you one simple question: Which strain would Allah smoke? I would personally put my money on a dope ass sativa like Jack Herrar or Blue Dream, but only cause I know he's got a lot of work to do right now because between Burning Man shutting down and Miley Cyrus trying to hi-jack the VMAs with lame ass issues she made up, this world needs a lot of help. 

Save us, Basedgod.

Robin Williams Found With Two Rare Digimon Cards

L: Robin Williams during happier times, R: Hiandromon, an Ultimate Cyborg Digimon that was perfected by improving the incomplete Andromon

L: Robin Williams during happier times, R: Hiandromon, an Ultimate Cyborg Digimon that was perfected by improving the incomplete Andromon

According to a recent TMZ report, actor and comedy legend Robin Williams may have left more behind for this world than a legacy of brilliant physical comedy. 

Investigators at Williams' Tiburon property reportedly found not one, but TWO highly sought after Digimon cards in the deceased actors' shirt pocket. The cards found are said to be the ultra rare and glossy foil print edition of both Milleniummon and Hiandramon. Both cards are "mega-level" mutations of the already powerful cards with one possessing the ability to cast an earth shattering 580 Dimension Destroyer.

Collectors have estimated the value of each individual card at well over 200 dollars. Whether the cards will be held onto or auctioned off at a later date is up to the family, but offers from several serious buyers have already popped via the actors' twitter account.

We'll have more on this story as it develops.