by resident foodie, Chip
I know what you’re thinking, "this fucking guy’s gonna come across like he’s an expert on chips just because his name is Chip." Well tough guy, you clearly can’t see the hundreds of chip bags that surround my blogger station. I know a thing or two about chips and I’m gonna lay the skinny on your fat ass about what’s good, what’s awful, and what’s fucking outstanding about chips.
Old reliable. They're everywhere. You can literally feel their ubiquity. Whether their success is due to the high corporate standards over at the respected PepsiCo subsidiary FritoLay, or if it’s simply not that hard for people (slaves?) to crank out millions of bags of middle-of-the-road potato chips, I don't care. What goes on behind the scene in the snack industry is not my concern.
As chips go they’re okay but not special. You can pick them up at any corner store and you know what you’re gonna get. Here’s my theory on Lay’s: essentially eating a bag of chips fires up the same neurotransmitters that an orgasm does (I know, right?). Lay’s is a flagship brand of a heavily-traded company on the NYSE. And capitalism being what it is, I wouldn’t put it past them to use every trick in the book to make sure the oil, the crisp and the strain of potato are all fine-tuned to make it seem like the best orgasm you can get from a bag of salty, cancer-causing, fried potato chips.
Here’s what else you get in every 2 ⅞ ounce bag:
Calories from Fat: 270
Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 8
Their marketing is literally a warning label ("Once You Pop You Can’t Stop"). Let’s be honest, these things shouldn’t be legal. They’re not even potato chips for fuck sake. These abominations are made by another NYSE-traded company, Procter and Gamble. I haven’t looked at their shareholder reports but I suspect much of their profits come from people (like me) who are strung out on these shits like they were cigarettes manufactured by Brown and Williamson in the '90s. GOD DAMMIT.
Let’s take a look at the ingredients!
Dried Potatoes (alright, sounds legit) Vegetable Oil (kay) Corn Flour (sounds less than healthy) Wheat Starch (hmm) Reconverted Base Cocaine (I made this one up). Bottom line, these shouldn’t be sold at the same place you buy liquor. It’s the kind of chip you really like but feel guilty about. Which also describes how my last three girlfriends see me. So, at the very least, these chips provide a useful analogy for my personal life.
Here’s what you get in every 5.68 ounce tube:
Calories from Fat: 480
Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 12[??]
Grab a big bag of these things to take part in one of the sweetest swindles of all time. I’m telling you a big bag of these–which cost anywhere from $2.49 to $3.79, has three, count em, THREE ounces of chips. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS? In ten years these will probably cost more than three ounces of GDP. But here’s the catch, although PopChips are really fucking good and a reasonable meal substitute, they're fake as hell and don’t even look real. But I'm a fake-as-hell bro who doesn't look real, so no fucks given. See you dorks at 1015 Folsom!
Now, if you’re like me you have that voice that camps out on your shoulder when you’re absolutely wasted who says things like, “something this tasty has got to be bad for you. What are you even doing to yourself?” Well, put your concerns to rest, because if the good people at PopChips are to be believed, these are a healthy snack. "Chip," you’re asking, "why aren’t these guys listed on the NASDAQ or something?" well, all I can say is don’t even trip, dudes! These chill bros are sure to be bought out by PG or PEP in due time. So just keep believing the hype and you can indulge yourself in a “healthy snack” of PopChips.
But let’s face the facts shall we? If you’re eating chips because they’re "rlly good for you (srs)" you’ve got much bigger issues to address in your life than simple weight gain, crippling depression or creeping drug addiction.
Here’s what a big bag of 3 ounces worth of PopChips will cost you in terms of self respect:
Calories from Fat: 105 (MY SICC ABS!)
Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 7
Here’s a big anomaly in my repertoire of chip reviews. Not just because these are tortilla chips but because these things have “flavor.” Yeah. Also these guys don’t even have a web presence OR app OR flash animation cartoon on NewGrounds. So good luck finding out the nutritional information, Dr Scientist.
Okay a bit of backstory: I don’t like flavored chips. Sour Cream and Onion? Jesus Christ, seriously? Way to ruin good chips. If you want to dip your chips, I GET IT. That’s cool, but I am not about to try Sun-Dried Tomato flavored potato chips any sooner than I am about to try potato chips engineered to taste like patchouli. Fuck that. How shitty are your chips in the first place you need some narc engineer to add flavor to them? That’s most brands of flavored chips– a shitty chip and a bunch of chemicals sprinkled in to make them seem palatable. However, as a shitty person who regularly uses chemicals to seem more palatable to others, I guess I understand their strategy.
All right, so I’m reviewing tortilla chips that are flavored with lime and soy sauce (which is eerily close to Horde Tour flavored chips, I know). Like good silverware or dope candelabras, you need to bust these out for special occasions. Don’t bring a bag of Have’a chips to a party. Unless, of course, you’re going to eat them all yourselves and not talk to anyone. If the host offers you a bottle of Grey Goose right out of the freezer and the freezer has a lock with a ridiculously involved combination, then share some with him or her. But otherwise, these chips are wasted on the wasted. Give those fools some other brand.
The flavor is good so I'm guessing you can probably eat a lot without hating life. The real mystery is where the fuck do these chips come from? The bag says Laguna Beach which means Orange County which means they were either made by Jesus freaks, meth freaks, or hippie freaks. Get these chips, eat a bag, and go back to wishing you believed in something as big as Jesus, Meth or Phish.
Calories: 140 per ounce.
Fat: 7g per zip.
Protein: 2g per oz.
Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 6.66
I was up on Haight Street walking behind a mini-cartel of homeless types with the pitbulls and the drug problems and the girl who won’t shut up about whether Spider really is "all that" or not. One of these prophets yelled out, “my last meal would be Sunchips and Snickers bars!” Whether he was reminiscing about the last thing he’d eaten or, more morbidly, what he would eat for his last meal should he end up on death row, I couldn’t tell you. But then I realized that if I end up on death row for using really good encryption software, I’d probably choose the same thing. Sunchips are a freaky creation from FritoLay that will trick you into believing that you’re eating something healthy and doing something good for your body even if you’re coming off a three day stimulant bender and need to eat something in order to fall asleep. Sunchips is like the proverbial dangling carrot of health-and-well-being to the ravaged moonscape of a meth user’s mind.
Okay, so let’s say you’re not some strung-out gutter punk and you just want a snack that makes it look like you’re trying to eat better. Sunchips will pull that off. If you’re at your family’s house for Thanksgiving, you can get a bag of Sunchips and the combination of the graphics and logo on the bag will make everybody think you’re sort of in the harvest spirit. Sunchips are “multigrain” but let’s be reality, every grain in every bag with the FritoLay label on it is multigrain thanks to Masonic GMO engineering. Calling something "multigrain: in this day and age is like saying it won’t hurt the ozone layer or cause acid rain. Who cares about the ozone layer and acid rain?? That shit has been passe since the same time Kurt Cobain offed himself. Which I think is around the same time Sunchips hit the scene by the way. Coincidence? It is a mystery.
Are SxC's tasty? Hell yeah. Do they give you that busted nut feeling in the sweet spots of your brain? Yeah, I guess, but mostly they just inflate your ego. Like you feel sorta good about yourself while you're eating these things, but it’s not like you’re really living on the edge or nothing. Real talk: it’s a socially acceptable chip that people don’t have a big problem with, which also describes me starting around 2006 or so.
Here’s what you get in a 6 ounce bag:
Calories from Fat: 360
Neurotransmitter Orgasm Foolers (out of 10): 4
Check back next time for more Chip on Chips and see wtf is up with Kettle Chips!