by fallen promotions wigg, CollyD420 (1994-2013)
[EDITOR NOTE/ IN MEMORIAM: CollyD420 turned in this article on the morning of Oct 29, 2013. Later that afternoon he informed me that he was planning to hand me a complete feature after as soon as he came back from the dispensary. CollyD420 never returned. To honor the blunted memory of WXA's most noided member, I swore to myself I would wait until his return to publish what I now presume to be his final document.
THAT SAID: I'm rrrreally trying to publish an entry every day on this fucking thing and the exhaustive Poison The Well tribute post I'm working on is taking seriasly forever. And so kiddies, here you have it... CollyD's last beef. Enjoy. Smoke somethin' w/ yr main bitch. Peace.]
HEY KITTENS. It's a sad day for local laughter here in the #415. Live Nation LLC (a company founded by beloved rapping comedian Barry Sobel in 1992), has, in a move surprising mostly everyone, fired all the chill bros that work at their dumb venues throughout the city. I understand this is a good move financially (because most of the employees were either stealing and/or too down-right dumb to exist). When Kron 4 asked Mr. Sobel to comment on this controversial move, he simply stated “I can’t do no mo'!!” and jumped into his limo. Fair enough, Barry. You win this round. That said, I think you'll agree with me that once you step into LiveNation's dark carnival, you'll find the truth is far more shocking than one could ever imagine..
Reports are coming from reliable sources (people I buy poppy pods from) that the company may have fired up to 9,000 people in San Francisco alone. QUA?? How can this be EVEN possible? Well, it's simple: SERVICE FEES. “The amount we are making in service fees have afforded us the opportunity to create and develop robots that can perform the tasks of the simple-minded juggalos and friendzoning 6/10s that we had working for us at all of our venues.” said head of research and robot development, Carl Dunkers.
Trisha Xiu and other WXA interns have been reaching out for days trying to get Sobel on the phone but it goes straight to voicemail. What are you hiding Barry!?! We were about to give up our search for the truth and go back to writing articles about buying cocaine at the Uptown, but then we discovered this controversial video from the capital of NorCal: SACRAMENTO (technically Roseville). Where some drunk slob hurls racially-charged insults at comedian Bryan Yang. **sound of a needle scratching off a record**
This imposing scary monster in the hyperlink above is Abe, he works under Sobel in LN's comedy division. After this retardedly un-PC moment, you'd think that any self-respecting Sactown comedy atheist would simply tip his fedora and move to Fresno never to be seen again. But in a KRAZY move, Sobel moves this hate-mongerer to Cobbs in SF of all places! And this, my friends, is where the real trouble starts.
When asked for comment, Abe called me a gook and hung up. Checkmate, Abe. We did get a few ex-workers on the phone, however. “it’s just so confusing because I'm such a hard worker and the top seller of drinks and food” said one recently fired employee. He told me there had been firings based mostly off race and lack of sex appeal. Can you believe such a respected corporation would simply treat their employees like $2 slores? WELCOME TO THE OBAMA'S AMERIKKKA, DORKS! #Infowars!!1! This scumbaggery happens all the time, especially with LiveNation. To make matters worse, according to our disclosed sources, LN is making remaining employees and cyborg blowjob machines alike (lol implying there's a difference) take personality tests. At this moment we cannot confirm if they're the same Scientology tests you have to take to get hired at Cheesecake Factory (srs) or the really chill ones you had to take to get hired at Gratitude.
Not everyone is upset with the plans to have these cyborgs take over. DNA LOUNGE MGR “Black Rabbit” said, “We've been planning a robot staff shift for a while we just never had the funding. But after the success of the Dying Fetus show, we're afforded this luxury at last.” Welcome to the Brave New World of inner-city bar staffing. I suppose one day I'll get used to it. But I'll definitely miss the little things. Things like talking to the coat-check girl at DNA about the latest Duncan Trussell podcast. #DTFH YA'LL!
Is this even good for the community? Do we really think putting these robots in charge of running venues in the city will work? Maybe there's an upside. Maybe this will give us more time to be more creative and think outside the box and start cool blackgaze bands with our friends. Do you think robots will ever be advanced enough to smoke weed in a realistic fashion? I hope they don't start becoming conscious and decide to murder/ friendzone us (just what i need lol). :/
It's hard to tell what's in store for the local comedy scene now that LiveNation robot overlords are finna run shit BIG TIME. But rest assured WXA will be on the frontline of this unwinnable SF transhumanism takeover.